Cost paid for anger

Nobody will love u like I loved you..you will never find someone who cares for u as much as i have cared for ....her voice echoed in his ears again n again. And slowly she faded away from his sight. He suddenly woke up. That was a dream, the same dream he have been having for the past 20 years. He wiped the sweat beads off his forehead and drank a glass of water to wake himself up from the clutches of his nightmare. 

Everyday he reminds himself that whatever she said in the dream was never true. But he knows it from the bottom of his heart, that dream was his bitter reality, which he never wanted to believe. After her, there was no one in his life. Truth is no one was as caring or loving as she was. He could never accept anything lesser than her. Rather he never wanted anything else or he never tried for anything else. That's the truth.

20 years back, he was not what he is now. He has changed a lot now. He has regretted a lot and still even now sometimes the guilt gulps him alive. He had to stand helpless that day when she left him forever. He would not have regretted, if he sees her happily living with her husband and 3 kids running around her. But she dint choose that life.

She was a shy girl who talks only to those whom she knew well and is comfortable with. So he had a tough time making her talk to him. His face book friend request took days to get accepted. Later hundreds of hi's in messenger went wasted before getting her first hi. And again more than 90 days it took to get her trust. And again more than 5 months to get the courage to ask her for her mobile number in the pretext of sending malayalam melodies. 

He couldn't call her by her name. He felt like a stranger when he tried that. So he came up with dasa n she never guessed even for a second to call him vijaya. The ease at which she was able to converse with him came us a surprise to both of them. 

They were the best of friends. The way she talked non- stop about everything under the sky was the best thing about her. It was a non stop melody for him. She always cared for him. She always reminded him never to get wet, eat on time, be on time and everything else even his parents never cared for. She was the new sunshine he has always longed for. She was sometimes a mother for him, sometimes a sister and sometimes his best buddy. There was not even a single day they spend without talking. 

For her, he was everything she wished for. The best friend, who cared for her like her father and listened to her like her brother. He was the kindest and loving person she has ever met other than her family. She was never shy or reserved with him. The best thing about him was, she could be herself around him. She never had to bother, how she looked or behaved. She never had to put conscious effort when with him. He was almost like an extended family but very close one. He was always there for her even without her asking. She felt a new level of security while going out or anywhere she went. It’s always great to have and to know that someone is watching over you.

Different people had different conclusions regarding their relationship. Some thought them as lovers, some as friends, some as brother-sister. But both of them never bothered to define their relationship. 

One day while talking to her, he asked her hand in marriage. She brushed it aside like a joke. And he never left it at that. He kept on asking her and always she laughed it off. They both did this for almost an year. And it took her an year to say yes to him. 

That was the best day in both of their lives. They cried with joy while talking. And it was amazing to know, how they both understood each other's minds and act accordingly. They were perfect for each other in every way. Like someone said, perfect things never lasts, this too never lasted. 

After few months, things changed. He started showing anger and resentment. And she never knew for what. She never understood the reasons behind all those angry words. Every day she goes to bed crying. She was shocked to see a different person in the one whom she put all her faith and love.

 She couldn't be herself anymore around him. She never knew what new thing is going to come up for a fight. So she was extra careful about everything she did and spoke. She was dying inside every day. The worst thing is he hates whatever she was before her 'yes'. She in order to make him happy started pushing away her likes just to please him. Even then he found something else to point out and blame. She never understood how a person could change so drastically within few months.

She started telling him to be more kind and soft and his behavior is hurting her. But the more she said, the more he went worst. He showed more anger and blamed her for his behavior. He felt, it's not worth listening to her.  She used to miss her vijayan so badly. She started to live in her good old memories. And tears were her only company. 

One day, he scolded her in public and she couldn’t stop her tears. It was the most embarrassing situation in her life. She couldn't bear anymore. That day was the last day she spoke to him. But he still remember her words-"nobody will love u like i loved you. You will never find someone who cares for u as much as i have cared for ...."

She blocked his number and face book account and everything else he could contact her. He tried contacting her in many ways after that. But it all went vain. 

After a month, while on work, he got a call from matron office to keep a body after post-mortem. It was of a girl who did suicide. His shift was getting over and already it was past 8.30 pm. And then the nurse told him to carry on as the night shift people has taken that body already after post-mortem. And she apologized for the miscommunication. 

While getting down he saw two familiar faces.  And he wondered why they were there all teary eyed. He went near them and the elder man as soon as he saw him slapped him hard on face and handed a letter from his pocket. It read- i loved only one truely and dreamt a life with him. If i can't make my dream come true, is it worth living? I failed miserably in life. I just want to stop my tears forever. I don't want to cry anymore. I can never live with the pain of missing him. It's hurting like a thousand pins in my heart. I am sorry appa. Please don't hate him. He is good at heart and i couldn't see it i think. I spoiled his life too appa.."  It was her father and brother who stood teary eyed there. 

He couldn't complete the letter. And he was shivering like a leaf. He tried to run back to mortuary but his legs and body was all numb. He tried to walk but he couldn't see anything. The whole hospital was going blank in front of him. He somehow reached mortuary and they have already kept her body inside. The smell of spirit and formalin and all the chemicals was never new to him. But today, he felt it all strong, too strong and new. He walked to the box. He went and saw it only once. The one person whom he never wanted to lose was here, turning blue. He tried to cry. But no tears came. He wanted to scream. But no sound came from his mouth. He was going pale. Last thing he saw was her face before he went all blank. 

When he opened his eyes, all his friends were there. They were just speaking to each other and nobody noticed him opening his eyes. He tried to get up and suddenly they all came forward. His best friends held his hand and tried to console him. He was inconsolable. They too dint know how to pacify him. They knew, a part of his heart is dead, and it has gone beyond revival. She was cremated when he was in hospital. He never wanted to be there to see her turn ashes in front of him.  

He was discharged two days later. He went home and his friends were staying with him for few days. All were worried about him being silent. It still never sank into him that she was not there. He started reading her letter again. Even in that, she was supporting him. She always has been doing that. His tears were making the letter wet. His best friend came forward and kept the letter in the side table and told him to forget the past and move on. 

It was never easy to move on neither was it easy to forget the past. The only person who cared genuinely for him will no more be there. The only person whom he loved truly is gone forever. 

He went to bed that day to wake up after few hours. Nobody will love u like i loved you. You will never find someone who cares for u as much as i have cared for ....her voice echoed in his ears. And slowly she faded away from his sight. He suddenly woke up screaming. And it's then he realized, that was the worst dream ever in his life. He couldn't sleep after that. Hundred thoughts were running in his mind. If he has controlled his anger, maybe she would never have left him. If she hasn’t left him, she would have been still alive. 

The next day he woke up. After freshening up, first thing he did was he went and registered for his degree course. She always wanted him to do that, but he never listened or cared to do that. Within 3 years, he is going to be a degree holder. 

He wasn't shouting at his parents or anyone anymore. She never liked that too.  Now he is good at controlling anger. He is changing for her. 

It's 20 years now. Not even once he got angry even being a police officer. In the department he was always praised for his patience. And he always knew, what he has paid for that. Somewhere she will be watching him. And he knew, she is happy about his change. 

THE BROKEN WING: MENDED

She was a girl, who had dreams, lot of dreams. When talking about her dreams, past tense suits the best. A girl with lot of love and passion. And that was very clear in her bright charming kajal defined eyes. Very talkative and a fun girl she was. Mostly like a butterfly giving and spreading joy. There were hardly anyone who hated her.

Everyone thought, only the best will come for her. Everyone assured the same, throughout. Rest of the story reveals the truth though..

She was very romantic and a delicate girl. Like every other girl in twenties, she too dreamed a lot about her prince charming. She dreamed of long walks in the beach holding hands and watching sun kiss the beautiful ocean. She dreamed of never ending talks deep enough to understand each other's soul. She dreamed of never ending kisses till the last wick of the last candle submerged in that paraffin liquid. She dreamt of a family who considers her as their own daughter and not as the wife of their son. She dreamt of kids, a lot of them running around in their garden. Her dreams were never ending and they were never chained.

When at last he came, that turned out to be a prince of disaster. She never realised that, coz she was busy loving him for what he was. But nothing was good enough for him. He took away all that she had from her. Her charm, her smile, her love, her nonstop talks,her beauty and everything that was hers, was taken away by that man who was wicked and cunning.He tortured her for nothing but his pleasure. Her cries and her pain made him more happy than her smile.Every inch of her body was tortured for his physical and sexual pleasure leaving her with blood and stains..

She never complained to anyone. She was still not able to remember hurting even an ant for pleasure. And still she was questioning her self, what has she done to go through all this pain. She still stayed as his loyal dog not telling about her plight to anyone. 

Everyone thought that she lived 'happily ever after', after her marriage. She too never thought that, happily ever after was just a myth. But her life proved that there was no happily ever after. 

Three months was all that she could bear him. But she and everyone else who knows her story now, know it very well that, even though it was just 3 months in calendar, it was a whole 30 year trial that she has gone through with him.

She kept mum for everything except one thing. It happened when she got pregnant with her first kid from him. When he got to know that she was pregnant, he asked her to give him money for paying off his debts with one of his so called business partner, with whom he occasionally sleeps. She never was left with anymore money, as everything was looted by him and his family. When he realised that she don't have anymore money, he told her to kill their kid and demanded divorce. That came as a shock for her. She never could understand how he could ever tell something like that about their first kid. It’s then she realized, it's high time she tell her parents.

Then she told the whole story to her parents from the start and they heard it with tears rolling down their cheeks and they promised her that, they will never ever let him touch her. Their warmth and love was the only thing that kept her going forward after that. She realized other than her dad and brother, she can trust no other man. She will have no other man in life. For her, all men are same except for two men in her life. She hated everymen. She hated love, romance, smile, kiss everything. Everything that was once dear to her became her worst nightmare ever. She never wanted a man in her life, coz of the scars her marriage has left on her.

She was devastated. She was worried about her unborn baby and her failed marriage. She went into depression soon after. She ate only to keep the baby fine. She never cried in front of her parents. When with them, she strongly made them believe that she was fine. She gave them courage that she will be fine. But when she got back to her room, she cried her heart out. And spoke to her unborn baby. She loved her kid. She sang for the kid, she told stories and she told how much fun they will have in future together. She lived for the kid in her womb.

But one day, when her mom came to room, she was shocked. Her bed was covered in blood and she was unconscious. She was rushed to the nearest hospital. There she was taken to labour room. And she woke up hours after and realized she lost her baby and she could never stop crying.

All the pain she went through was for nothing. She lost the only thing that made her move on in life. She was more depressed than ever. She never smiled after that. Her tears also dried up. She dint cry to let out the pain. She never talked much after that. Nothing she did after that in fact. She just lived like a log.

Inorder to change her from this depression, her parents made her join her forever dream, "Ph.D". The first one year, she never talked much, smiled, or laughed. She talked to all. All were her friends and she was a friend to all. But she was changing day by day after that. She was definitely a survivor, who was recovering from depression by her own, without even letting others know.

Mending a broken wing will never make it the same, but still it's worth it...

Weirdness....

It's sometimes in the weirdest places we find true love , our soulmate....

But then comes the weirdest reason for not having them by our sides......

Live Your Life, Coz You Are Alive

Each one of us one time or the other has faced things that perturbed us. It might be a failure, sudden death of loved ones, a broken marriage, a terminal disease, a lost pet etc. Some of the smart ones surmount this in no time and others cry over the spilled milk throughout their life. Is it worth crying over the things, that you have less or no control over? This really is a thought provoking question; each one of us should ask ourselves. 

It’s of no use crying over the past if you can’t go back and change the past, unless you have a self owned “time traveler machine” with you. If you give it a thought u will know that it’s very simple. You should understand 3 things if u still feel doubtful: 

• You can’t go back and change things. 
•  Thinking about the past does nothing good to your life, nor to those around you. 
•  Brooding over the past will deprive you of happiness in the present. 

Have you seen a race track with hurdles? For an athlete hurdle doesn’t mean the end of the game, it’s just a pause point before reaching the finishing point. Life is like a race track where problems are the hurdles. When we confront with a problem we just pause there and that is not the end of the journey of life. We just have to face the problem and move on coz we have a long way to go, to reach our goal. 

Moving on is courage and brooding over is nothing but, cowardice. Never complicate the problems we encounter. Problems are problems only till we think it’s a problem. Every problem is an eye opener, I should say. It teaches you something new that you dint knew till you faced that problem. 

We value things only when it’s lost. The same thing is applicable to relationships too. Give value to people and respect their personality. Forgive people and never keep grudge against anyone. Grudge is like a parasite, it takes positive energy from you. And be ready to apologize if you feel mistake is from your side. Being sorry doesn’t make you a bad person; rather it shows your courage to acknowledge your flaws. 

Here are few things to keep in mind for a happy life: 

• God dint clone people. Each one of us is unique. So accept the people for what they are. 
• Forgive people, even those who hurt you. 
• Never keep grudges against anyone. 
• Admit your mistake and never be late to act contrite. 
• Lend a hand to others. Their smile will surely leave a curve on your lips too. 
• Forget the pain and move on in life, because there is lot more to explore out there. 
• A predicament in life is not a full stop, but a comma. 
• Problems are not standardized, but custom made. So it’s you, who can derive a better elucidation than anybody else out there. 

Actually life is a beautiful journey. There is always something amazing about every day.  We have to be positive about everything. Trust your inner voice or the one we call as ‘intuition’. That’s one cute friend of yours who in no way ditches you. Whether you are in your childhood, teens, adulthood or old age, we have only one life, so enjoy life to its fullest.

LOVE

Love...Its always pure...But to call it pure,expectations has to be kept aside....And that Love reaps everything.The fruit of Love is Love itself......

Feelings of the heart

Sweet and soft

Tender and blissful and

That is love

When stream of thoughts 
Wild and fragrant

With never ending wishes

You are in love

Heart do beats
For the one you love

And it do aches 

For whom you love

Never you lose

But you do gain

When it breaks

It does pain

Never no one knew

What is love

Unless they learn

How to love.... 

THE RAINY SEASON

If you have been to Kerala during a monsoon season then you will definitely know what the beauty of Rain is….Keep aside the thunder and lightning part, coz they are a bit scary.(It scares me, not sure about you) When those first droplets fall on that dry sand there spreads a fragrance, the fragrance of fresh sand…That drives me mad..

On such a rainy day while watching this down pour from my window, there blossomed a poem out of nowhere….Here it goes….

 

 Again came the rainy season

Chit chat chit chat rainy season

Pushing back the summer season

Hot hot hot hot summer season

 

Muddy pools everywhere

With no place to keep a foot

Jumping frogs splashing water

Shelly snails here and there

 

Paper boats sailing everywhere

With no near and dear

Cries of the 5 year old everywhere

For schools are open in this year

With the rocking thunder

And the lightning clouds

Have a shower in the rain

And enjoy the fragrance of rain

THE CHOCOLATE BOX

It’s too bright in my new world. I found it tough to open my teeny weeny little eyes. Through my half-opened little eyes, I saw them….Angels!!! Dressed in white….staring at me in wonder…Suddenly one of those so called angels pulled me by my leg and gave two slaps on my back…..ouchhh…. I never expected it…so gave out a loud feeble cry….Those angels in one voice said ‘Thank God’….I wondered why should they thank God when I cry…..So indifferent…So mean they are, I said to myself....

      They wrapped me in some stuff and gave me to some lady…'It’s a boy', the angel who slapped me said.Ohhh, I am a boy ! I murmured …..But why did they give me to this lady? They could have kept me with them right?? With lots of wonder and surprise I looked at that lady… I could see her eyes filled with tears, and half dried tears on her cheeks…I felt sad when she gave me a tiresome look…But she is managing to smile at me. And I too gave back a smile in response.

      I felt so much warmth in her hands.. I don’t know why I feel so secured in her hands… I feel I need nothing when she is next to me. So contended I was…

       It seems I should call her mom, and there came another guy who boasted himself as dad…May be I am their belonging…They packed all the stuff spread out there. And mom took me with her and we moved on to some other new home..

      But….later on things changed… No, no wait don’t start assuming things….I didn't mean I changed…I meant that the situations changed…I actually never saw that same happiness in her eyes after that..I don’t know the reason or reasons behind it…People started looking at me in aversion…Especially my dad, he never smiled at me or talked to me or never played with me….May be dads’ are not supposed to do all that...

      I never had many toys…I played with sand, the clay out there in front of my house, some small well shaped pebbles...And also I had some living toys too, don’t know the names clearly, but people call it something like snails, lizards etc… And many a times these lizards cheat me and go off to roof top….And starts giggling at me… I too giggled back and continue playing with other toy stuff…

       When I get hungry I go and pull my mom’s sari and she puts some eatables in a plate and gives me…i happily eat it and also feed my ‘living toys’ in the custody…

      Likewise days passed….and months….then years too….My life also kept on moving with not much change in the routine…Oh…I forgot to tell, there was one change..I became tall now….now no more lizards and snails…they are too small to play with…Now puppies kittens hens all are my good friends…We play together and eat together…Eat together doesn’t mean I eat their food, but they eat mine…

       I have a room in the house. It was my world. Nobody in my home talks to me much. Just convey things which are necessary.... Necessary, in the sense very necessary stuff. So I confine myself to that small little world in my home. Though small I like it a lot, because, it was my only refuge…There I have, one small bed and a pillow, a wooden box where I keep my dress my toys etc and also a small chair and a table. My pillow is my best friend…whenever I feel sad I just run to my pillow, hug it and cry till no more tears are left...And you know what, when I hug my pillow, I could feel the warmth of care only a mother could give, and my mother’s warm touch is still there hidden in my (unforgotten) memory…

      And one day a nanny came home and was talking to mom…I overheard their talk through the window sill…but nothing was clear…except for a few words.... Words like school compulsory etc…What is school??I have no idea about that … And when nanny got down she saw me, and came near and said “you are 6 years old now, tomorrow onwards you can go to school. I will take you to school tomorrow. Wear the best dress you have ...”

      That whole night I was pondering over the word school…what it could be? Is it some other world like my home, where I have to create my own small little world? Will the people over there come and talk to me or will I be kept isolated? What will I do going there? I slept off before I could find answers for my never ending questions.....

      I got up early in the morning, and was so excited about school. You might be thinking, what’s there in school for me to be so excited, right?? You know, it’s the first time I am going to see some other place other than my home…And I got ready and wore my best ‘possible’ trousers and shirts. And started waiting for that nanny… She came with a small slate and some pieces of thin white colored chalk pieces and gave it to me and told to keep with me....Wow!!!! Is it for me I asked her, she said yes……I felt so happy…I can’t remember anyone who gave me things to keep it for myself…maybe it’s because this is the first time…..

      She held my hand and we walked….And after some time we reached a thatched building…There were too many rooms that were too closely packed…May be this is school, I thought. Nanny took me to a class and introduced me to the teacher there...and nanny bid me bye...And teacher patted my shoulder and took me to the second bench and made me sit near a girl…When I sat next to her she first frowned at me.....And with her chalk piece, she drew a line in the desk and whispered in my ears, ‘this is my place, keep your hands away’. I was wonder stuck by this… I thought it’s compulsory to draw lines in the desk like this. So I too took my brand new chalk and drew lines, and whispered in her ears, ‘this is my place, but u can keep your hands’. She looked at me in surprise and smiled at me….And I knew, if she counted, she could have easily counted all my 26 teeth…

      Everyday I used to wait for school time, just to see my new friend. It's really different when you have someone to talk with and that person listens to each word of yours with great surprise and laughs with you for the silliest of your jokes… Those were the beginning of the wonderful days in my life. Later I realized it was just only my wish.

       I always felt that I go to school just to see her or to be with her…The happiness I get when I sit  beside her was something always new to me. To be frank I feel it’s tough to put that happiness in words, because, it has to be only experienced .... Our friendship was the one that was most envied by everyone in the class. Every day she comes to school with a candy, and she shares it with me…Whenever I get a colored feather or crystal stone, I keep it for her. We became very close, as days passed.

       I hate Friday evenings. It is tough to be at home during weekends. I will be in my room doing nothing, the whole two days. It’s not fair if I say I do nothing. I will be planning what should I tell her on Monday morning to make her laugh. It’s during this time I started doing drawings. I never went for a drawing class. But simply started drawing for time pass. The first picture I drew was her’s. It can’t claim to be the perfect picture I have ever done, but still that was perfect for me. Her image was too very clear in my mind, and I found it easy for me to draw. And I waited for Monday morning to show her that picture.

      I woke up that day morning, hearing lots of noises in my home. I didn't know why all were running around inside my home. And I could hear my mom’s screams from her room. I didn’t know why she was crying so badly.... I thought she got hurt or something. I didn’t know what was going on. And then saw my dad and few others taking my mom somewhere. Nobody noticed me. I was standing near the doorsteps watching them taking my mom in an ambulance. And I was left all alone in that big house. Nobody here… No one…What am I supposed to do??????

       I just didn't know what to do. Then hour hand just struck 7. It was then I realized it’s a Monday morning. I ran to see my drawing. Yes it’s perfectly alright. But how would I go to school? Nobody is at home. I sat there near the doorsteps, waiting for somebody to come. But nobody came… hours passed….I was tired with hunger and thirst. I went to kitchen. I didn't expect any food there. But still I searched for some food. Wooh, I found it….The previous day's half eaten dosa left by me. I took the plate and suddenly a lizard jumped out from the plate and went hiding…looked like it was enjoying its breakfast...Sorry, me too very hungry, I told the lizard and left a small piece of my dosa and went on to have the rest.

      By evening my mom and dad was back home…Mom was perfectly alright…But she is having something in her hand, something which was wrapped in some white colored towel…Oh, may be some gift for me…They went into their room and I followed them, and was too curious to know about the gift. I just stood near the door and started peeping ... Then my mom called me inside. I went inside hesitantly … in small and soft footsteps.... And she kept her gift in the bed, and then I saw it……It’s a small baby… She told, ‘it’s your sister.’

      Oh……I was surprised or shocked...I repeated to myself that it’s my sister… I felt too attached to that little one…I got someone whom I can call as mine…Now I will not be alone in this home. I can play with my sister…My joy knew no bounds…I went to my room and jumped with joy…I was so excited about this…I can tell my friend also about my baby sister…Does she have one too, like me? But she never told me about her sister…. I went to bed that day with so much of happiness…For a long time I was wide awake trying to catch sleep…But slept of in between.

      I woke up early, and ran to see my little sister…She is not awake yet… I stood looking at her for some time, and saw her smiling in her sleep…she was definitely dreaming … I too smiled and left to get ready…

     I reached school earlier than usual…Waited eagerly for my friend to come…The first bell rang…She didn't come…Second bell rang…And now class was going to start…Class teacher came….Why she is not yet here…My mind was restless. I stared through the window…and no sign of her…I was too very sad and dejected…I didn’t know what better word can explain my feeling…Teacher started taking attendance….And to my surprise today she didn't call her  name at all…Teacher would've missed her name…I thought I should remind her…And I got up and told teacher ….Then she smilingly said, ‘I didn't forget her name. She had shifted to another school in the outskirts of the village.’

      Those words were like a thunder burst for me…I wouldn't let her change the school like that…She was the only friend I got…And it must be same with her too, I'm the only friend she got, right…I sat there lifeless…Did she know we couldn't see each other anymore ? Did she cry when they took her to another school? Would she come back to see me? Though I knew, I have no answers; I just couldn’t stop questioning myself… Tears rolled down my cheeks and fell on my slate….What I didn't notice was, my drawing too was getting erased….

      After the class the watchman came and informed me that I had to go to office. There my class teacher was waiting for me with a box in her hand… She gave it to me and told ‘your friend came yesterday with her parents. She wanted to say good-bye to you. But you didn't come yesterday, so she left this for you.’ I opened it then and there…It was a box of chocolates, the same variety of chocolates that we share every day….