Nobody will love u like I loved you..you will never find someone
who cares for u as much as i have cared for ....her voice echoed in his ears
again n again. And slowly she faded away from his sight. He suddenly woke up.
That was a dream, the same dream he have been having for the past 20 years. He
wiped the sweat beads off his forehead and drank a glass of water to wake
himself up from the clutches of his nightmare.
Everyday he reminds himself that whatever she said in the dream
was never true. But he knows it from the bottom of his heart, that dream was
his bitter reality, which he never wanted to believe. After her, there was no
one in his life. Truth is no one was as caring or loving as she was. He could
never accept anything lesser than her. Rather he never wanted anything
else or he never tried for anything else. That's the truth.
20 years back, he was not what he is now. He has changed a lot
now. He has regretted a lot and still even now sometimes the guilt gulps him
alive. He had to stand helpless that day when she left him forever. He would
not have regretted, if he sees her happily living with her husband and 3 kids
running around her. But she dint choose that life.
She was a shy girl who talks only to those whom she knew well
and is comfortable with. So he had a tough time making her talk to him. His face
book friend request took days to get accepted. Later hundreds of hi's in
messenger went wasted before getting her first hi. And again more than 90 days it
took to get her trust. And again more than 5 months to get the courage to ask
her for her mobile number in the pretext of sending malayalam melodies.
He couldn't call her by her name. He felt like a stranger when
he tried that. So he came up with dasa n she never guessed even for a second to
call him vijaya. The ease at which she was able to converse with him came us a
surprise to both of them.
They were the best of friends. The way she talked non- stop
about everything under the sky was the best thing about her. It was a non stop
melody for him. She always cared for him. She always reminded him never to get
wet, eat on time, be on time and everything else even his parents never cared
for. She was the new sunshine he has always longed for. She was sometimes a
mother for him, sometimes a sister and sometimes his best buddy. There was not
even a single day they spend without talking.
For her, he was everything she wished for. The best friend, who
cared for her like her father and listened to her like her brother. He was the
kindest and loving person she has ever met other than her family. She was never
shy or reserved with him. The best thing about him was, she could be herself
around him. She never had to bother, how she looked or behaved. She never had
to put conscious effort when with him. He was almost like an extended family
but very close one. He was always there for her even without her asking. She
felt a new level of security while going out or anywhere she went. It’s always
great to have and to know that someone is watching over you.
Different people had different conclusions regarding their
relationship. Some thought them as lovers, some as friends, some as
brother-sister. But both of them never bothered to define their
relationship.
One day while talking to her, he asked her hand in marriage. She
brushed it aside like a joke. And he never left it at that. He kept on asking
her and always she laughed it off. They both did this for almost an year. And
it took her an year to say yes to him.
That was the best day in both of their lives. They cried with
joy while talking. And it was amazing to know, how they both understood each
other's minds and act accordingly. They were perfect for each other in every
way. Like someone said, perfect things never lasts, this too never
lasted.
After few months, things changed. He started showing anger and
resentment. And she never knew for what. She never understood the reasons
behind all those angry words. Every day she goes to bed crying. She was shocked
to see a different person in the one whom she put all her faith and love.
She couldn't be herself anymore around him. She never knew
what new thing is going to come up for a fight. So she was extra careful about
everything she did and spoke. She was dying inside every day. The worst thing
is he hates whatever she was before her 'yes'. She in order to make him happy started
pushing away her likes just to please him. Even then he found something else to
point out and blame. She never understood how a person could change so
drastically within few months.
She started telling him to be more kind and soft and his behavior
is hurting her. But the more she said, the more he went worst. He showed more
anger and blamed her for his behavior. He felt, it's not worth listening to
her. She used to miss her vijayan so badly. She started to live in her
good old memories. And tears were her only company.
One day, he scolded her in public and she couldn’t stop her
tears. It was the most embarrassing situation in her life. She couldn't bear
anymore. That day was the last day she spoke to him. But he still remember her
words-"nobody will love u like i loved you. You will never find someone
who cares for u as much as i have cared for ...."
She blocked his number and face book account and everything else
he could contact her. He tried contacting her in many ways after that. But it
all went vain.
After a month, while on work, he got a call from matron office
to keep a body after post-mortem. It was of a girl who did suicide. His shift
was getting over and already it was past 8.30 pm. And then the nurse told him
to carry on as the night shift people has taken that body already after post-mortem.
And she apologized for the miscommunication.
While getting down he saw two familiar faces. And he
wondered why they were there all teary eyed. He went near them and the elder
man as soon as he saw him slapped him hard on face and handed a letter from his
pocket. It read- i loved only one truely and dreamt a life with him. If i can't
make my dream come true, is it worth living? I failed miserably in life. I just
want to stop my tears forever. I don't want to cry anymore. I can never live
with the pain of missing him. It's hurting like a thousand pins in my heart. I
am sorry appa. Please don't hate him. He is good at heart and i couldn't see it
i think. I spoiled his life too appa.." It was her father and brother
who stood teary eyed there.
He couldn't complete the letter. And he was shivering like a
leaf. He tried to run back to mortuary but his legs and body was all numb. He
tried to walk but he couldn't see anything. The whole hospital was going blank in
front of him. He somehow reached mortuary and they have already kept her body
inside. The smell of spirit and formalin and all the chemicals was never new to
him. But today, he felt it all strong, too strong and new. He walked to
the box. He went and saw it only once. The one person whom he never wanted to
lose was here, turning blue. He tried to cry. But no tears came. He wanted to
scream. But no sound came from his mouth. He was going pale. Last thing he saw
was her face before he went all blank.
When he opened his eyes, all his friends were there. They were
just speaking to each other and nobody noticed him opening his eyes. He tried
to get up and suddenly they all came forward. His best friends held his hand
and tried to console him. He was inconsolable. They too dint know how to pacify
him. They knew, a part of his heart is dead, and it has gone beyond revival.
She was cremated when he was in hospital. He never wanted to be there to see her
turn ashes in front of him.
He was discharged two days later. He went home and his friends
were staying with him for few days. All were worried about him being silent. It
still never sank into him that she was not there. He started reading her letter
again. Even in that, she was supporting him. She always has been doing that.
His tears were making the letter wet. His best friend came forward and kept the
letter in the side table and told him to forget the past and move on.
It was never easy to move on neither was it easy to forget the
past. The only person who cared genuinely for him will no more be there. The
only person whom he loved truly is gone forever.
He went to bed that day to wake up after few hours. Nobody will
love u like i loved you. You will never find someone who cares for u as much as
i have cared for ....her voice echoed in his ears. And slowly she faded away
from his sight. He suddenly woke up screaming. And it's then he realized, that
was the worst dream ever in his life. He couldn't sleep after that. Hundred
thoughts were running in his mind. If he has controlled his anger, maybe she
would never have left him. If she hasn’t left him, she would have been still
alive.
The next day he woke up. After freshening up, first thing
he did was he went and registered for his degree course. She always wanted him
to do that, but he never listened or cared to do that. Within 3 years, he is
going to be a degree holder.
He wasn't shouting at his parents or anyone anymore. She never
liked that too. Now he is good at controlling anger. He is changing for
her.
It's 20 years now. Not even once he got angry even being a
police officer. In the department he was always praised for his patience. And he
always knew, what he has paid for that. Somewhere she will be watching him. And
he knew, she is happy about his change.
